And So I Digress

Clarity and Connecting...

2011-07-22T11:07:00.002-05:00

Peace. Stillness. Order. Calm. Connection. Unity. Completion.

All longed for. None constantly felt. All found in Christ. All reside in the place where we fellowship with Christ. The Holy of Holies. Fellowship with my Lord puts it all in perspective.

Long to-do list. Long prayer list. Unfinished conversations. Life's demands are undending.

Perspective. Sometimes all I need is a little perspective. Clarity is achieved through prayer.

The Stay-at-Home Missionary

2009-03-04T15:44:00.000-06:00

The Stay-at-Home Missionary

Sleep Eludes Me...

2008-03-04T01:23:00.002-06:00

Night two of less than four hours of sleep. I suppose that remains to be seen for this night. I do love the quiet. Quiet only happens between about 10 p.m. and 6 a.m. at our house. The little ones rise early.
This past week my baby turned two. Much more of an ordeal for me emotionally than I expected. I found it difficult to even talk about it without crying. I have an uncanny attachment and desire for babies. More babies. This however, is not what God would have for me at this time. I've never had anyone turn two without already having a baby or being pregnant with one. I think that not being pregnant makes me feel old as well. I've been praying through this and have no idea if the feelings will one day subside. Will I always feel this joy and pain when I see an infant? I don't know but I trust the Lord to help me deal with these emotions. I am interested to see how it will all play out. I can never predict how God will shape me or what insights He will give me. I am glad that I have this experience for I know I'm not alone and I can comfort other women who feel the same way. I know that my friends who are older always say how quickly the time goes and how they can remember the days so clearly when their own children were young. I believe them. My eldest is seven and I remember the day we brought her home from the hospital, what she was wearing, what I was wearing, the weather conditions, etc. Now she wants to watch American Idol and has opinions about the performers. How did this happen so quickly?
Lord, sustain my feeble frame, my ever changing emotions and let me only point my little girls to you. Let me rest upon your never changing qualities in this ever changing world. You are my rock, my fortress and my deliverer. What would I do without your counsel? Surely I would lay down and never rise. I go forward into obedience only by your grace.

puppy and peace

2008-01-16T15:16:00.000-06:00

When I read the posts of others I really enjoy learning more about each individual. I seem to learn more of life and more about myself when I get to know others. I wonder if anyone wants to hear about my thoughts and ramblings... whether they do or not it's therapy just to type.
We are a family of 7 now as we added a dog over Christmas. I know, I said I wouldn't until Savannah was at least three but we couldn't pass up this deal and especially the perfect age to give to them for christmas morning. He's a cutie pie. I'd never heard of Silver Labrador Retrievers before but if you google them you'll see some pics of what Beau looks like. He's really a good looking dog. With a dog comes the chewing, peeing and pooping in strange places. For example if it's rainy or cold he just goes in the patio instead of taking the 10 steps to his other favorite place, my flower bed. oh well. I'm checking in to doggy school soon. We'll have him so smart he'll be doing the laundry. I wish. Maybe our next pet can be a robot maid!!! ha!! At least this go around with the doggy I'm able to relax because he's outside most of the time. Key here is to get a big dog... or at least he will be a big dog.
I must go. I hear Savannah waking from her nap much to early but I'm always happy to see her!! If you find me here and want to reconnect look me up on Facebook. I check pretty much everyday. I hope this finds you in peace with your mind stayed upon Christ who is our rock and fortress.

okay, so it's been a while...

2007-09-05T11:36:00.000-05:00

blogging is something that comes and goes for me but recently I've felt the urge to blog. I don't know exactly how I separate that urge from the urge to eat or the urge to do anything else but somehow, here I sit, blogging.
Yeah so this is public domain. My thoughts for the world to see. That's okay because most folks wouldn't even understand what I'm saying. If you know me you'll understand and for that I am grateful. Isn't being understood one of the greatest of our desires? It's right up there with wanting to be loved, accepted and wanting to eat pizza. That's the second time I've mentioned eating. Probably because I'm dieting, again.
To catch you up on all that has transpired since I last blogged I'll start out by saying that yes, I have had another baby since my last blog! I wouldn't be me if I hadn't right? Wrong. Because you see I have four and no more. We are all babied out. Well, at least that's what my doctor tells me. I of course could never be more ready to add another bundle to the bunch. The girls are growing in their interests and activities which keeps me busier than ever. I had seen women who practically lived in their cars taking kids from one event to another and was always so glad that wasn't me. It still isn't me but it's fast approaching. We have ballet, soccer, violin and school. I have to protect our precious family time. Days literally fly by and babies become little girls. I know that I'll blink and these little girls will be big girls and then young ladies and then gone. That's why every moment counts. I have so many friends with children and we all agree that we just can't get our brains around the speed with which all of this takes place. Then again I have no desire to prolong some of these days.
I was attending a luncheon at a friends house when an older lady spoke up about a great idea she had. Now this lady is a true Southern Lady. She has one of the most lovely accents you'd ever want to hear as she drops her "r" and adds syllables. She has the greatest sense of humor as well. I wish you could all meet her. (in heaven) Her idea was this: She said that she wished she could get one of those old timey telephone booths, you know, the old red ones like you see in old movies set in London. She said she wanted one of those in her house and that she wanted it to be a time machine. You'd be able to choose what time, where and for how long you wanted to visit. She set she would go back to when her son Richard was 2 years old for fifteen minutes! I laughed and laughed and then I cried. How precious that this lady who now has grandchildren still wants to go back to those days when her children were small. How hilarious that she remembers those days so well that she'd only want to be there for fifteen minutes!!

Settling in... Again

2005-05-18T19:12:00.000-05:00

Peace is something we all long for. I know that I hear people talk about how peaceful it is to sit and listen to the ocean, or light a candle and sip their favorite beverage, or just be quiet with the one you love. True, these things are comforting, even relaxing but not peaceful. Peace is when you are at absolute rest in your soul in respect to your stance with God. Peace is when you know there is not a cloud between you and the savior of your soul. Peace is when you are not kicking against God's plan for you. Peace is when your desires have become His desires. Peace is something we all long for. Peace is attainable.
I am settling in again. Back home from vacation. Back to reality. Escaping reality and the daily grind is something I look forward to. However, when you are a Mom the daily grind follows you.
Then again it's not the daily grind at all. It's the daily honor, the daily priveledge, the daily gift of caring for those who God has placed in my life. To love them, to be tender, to let them know that they have a place in the world and that God has dreams for them. To speak blessing to them and remind them of who they can be in Christ... This is my "daily grind".
So settling in again isn't so bad. I don't have to be disappointed that my vacation is over. Nothing has changed except the scenery. Actually I think I might get more rest at home. I don't have to load up the beach bag and put sunscreen on everyone!
Settling in to God's plan and God's place for me as a woman, mother, wife and child of God is the Only place to find peace and rest for my soul.

2005-04-21T11:11:00.000-05:00

I want to write but I don't even know where to begin. I just found out about someone I love that is hurting. I have a really hard time knowing that I can't be there. I want to be there for all my friends and family. God cares for them more than I do and is better able to help them so I have to trust Him.
It's amazing how people can be one person when they are with you and someone else at other times. You know, you never really know someone unless they want you to know them. You just can't force yourself into anyone's world. All I really want is for people to be who they really are. I want this for myself too. I know that I hide myself for fear of hurting people or getting hurt. I have such strong opinions and strong convictions and I have to learn to hold my tongue. People just don't want to hear what others have to say sometimes.

I'm struck lately with how it seems that people just don't know how much they are loved because they don't put themselves out there to be loved. We all hide. Then we wonder why we are alone.

I've struggled with depression. I've even been diagnosed as a manic. I don't know what I think about it. I do know that I have more control over how I feel and what I do than I've ever realized. I can make decisions about how I'm going to feel. Most importantly I can pray and God can change the way I feel.

I've grown more spiritually in the past two years than I have in my entire life. I can't believe how wonderfully trials teach! I should know! I just wish I could communicate to those I love the things that I know would help them with their struggles. Hearts can only be changed by God. My words may be a means to God's ends but I can not control or overpower. I must remember that pray is not a last resort because I feel powerless to do anything else. Pray is the first thing I must do and the only thing with any guarantees.

I see those who claim Christ walking in ways that are totally in opposition to God and I wonder, "Do they know what they are doing? Are they even aware?" Then I look at myself and I pray that God will be merciful because that's the only thing keeping my head above water. God has been merciful, so merciful. I've been exposed to so much truth and by God's grace alone am attempting to apply it. I am married to the most amazing man and the best inspiration for holiness of life in the gift of motherhood. If left to myself I would be profaning the name of God left, right and center.

God please show mercy to those who are walking away from all they know is good and true. Do what you do best, give them no rest until they are back in your safe keeping.

out of touch

2005-04-14T14:36:00.000-05:00

Do you ever feel out of touch? Almost like watching your life instead of being part of it. I think it has something to do with what I've eaten lately. That sounds strange but when I eat sugar I suffer. I know that I get tired, lethargic, want more sugar and so the cycle goes. Not good.
I've been trying to change all that but my addictions get the best of me. My vices are just that, they grip me with no mercy and at times I feel powerless to escape. What does this leave me to believe about the times I have alluded them? Was it a 'good day'? What was I thinking then that I wasn't thinking the last time I fell? I should journal my thoughts and see the pattern.

When I'm tired I reward myself with rest and comfort food. I think that a vacation isn't a break without good food. I day out on the town isn't fun if I don't eat something. A movie isn't as enjoyable without some snacks. Why does food have to be such a huge part of entertainment. I want to escapte that mentality. I want to overcome.

God's grace has been at work like I've never experienced before. I've been getting up, working out (that never happens) and accomplishing so much in the day. I know it's not my strength at work. That will never happen. I can only thank Him for His faithfulness. Now when I fail I have to run to Him and start over for the 50th time.

Why the fascination with the rich and famous? Why do they have better face cream than I do? Why is the good stuff so darn expensive? Why does everyone want to look so young all the time. Can't we embrace life? Part of living is dying and before you die you usually get old. Get old and wrinkly I might add. I've noticed some grey hair. I can't believe it because I still get mistaken for a college student at 32. Not a bad problem. I think I want to embrace old age. Think of all that you have behind you. What's ahead but the reward of heaven for those who belong to God. I can think of nothing better than getting through this moment so that I can be a few seconds closer to true fellowship with my saviour.

It's spring. Memories push their way into my mind as the flowers push their way up out of the soil. Smells of lillies take me back to my grandmothers church at easter time. Daffodils remind me of playing in her yard. Most memories I like to dwell on are the good ones. It's amazing how the bad seems to get filtered out. Yesterday I drank an iced chai latte. The first sip took me back to Dardago Italy where I was six years old eating gelato in a corner cafe. I could feel the little girl in me. Happy, carefree, just wondering what adventure lay around the bend. I remember how my Mom and Dad still loved each other and all seemed so perfect. What could be better than standing on your veranda and seeing the top of a snow covered mountain while you wear a shortsleaved shirt. Amazing place. One day I hope to go back there. Dreams. Unrealized.

I can't get to this and when I start I can't get away. I'll end here and hopefully come back before its been four or five months.

cheesecake dreams

2004-11-24T04:18:00.000-06:00

It's the middle of the night and I'm awake. I was thinking about why my cheesecake cracked. I did some research and found out all kinds of ways you can prevent it and cover it up if it happens. Research is a good idea, before you start something. I started a cheesecake baking business. I didn't mean to but I made one for someone and then other people started handing me money and asking for cheesecakes of all different flavors. I sold four in fifteen minutes. I could be a good thing if I get faster and buy my groceries at Sam's. I have to cook my own families thanksgiving meal, clean the house, make another couple cheesecakes and take care of my babies today. I think I need sleep. It's nowhere to be found. Could it be the Dr. Thunder? It's possible.
We bought a dog two weeks ago. A rat terrier. We named her Sugar. She was a cutie pie. I say "was" because we decided to take her back to her breeder. It was a very difficult decision but I simply could not take care of my 3, 2, and 1 year olds while trying to house train this puppy. I was so stressed. I couldn't relax in my own home. That's no way to live. We cried and took her back. I love my life again. Crazy how you can make stupid decisions that can really make your life too hectic for words. At least that decision was repairable. Ella was upset and she still mentions Sugar about once a day. I think she understands though. She's a smart little girl.

My Mom and her family are coming in tomorrow for Thanksgiving. I'm so excited. I don't remember a time I've spent Thanksgiving with her. It's nice to have her back in my life. I've needed a Mom for a long time!

Still awake. I don't feel the least bit sleepy. I know I'm going to regret this. I spent the first half of the night on the couch because of tornado watches in our area. I wanted to hear the sirens if they went off or the beeping warning on the TV. The weather guy finally said it had all passed and I went to bed. Then I lay there thinking about my cracked turtle cheesecake. I'm sure it will taste yummy but I'm going to cover it with a chocolate ganache. yummers.

Oh, I must say that my one year old is walking. She falls quite often but she can walk. She tends to try and go to fast and so she loses her balance but when she takes it slow she can stay up for a while. I'm sure there's a lesson in there somewhere for all of us.

My two year old is talking so much more. She says the cutest things. I love her so much. I've been overwhelmed lately by how tender she is. She loves her sisters, her Daddy and me. She shows it by the way she speaks to us and treats us with hugs and kisses. She's so careful to be polite. What a girl!

My firstborn is only three but I could definitely believe she were six or seven or even in her teens sometimes. Her sense of humor is amazing. Her sensitivity to me is crazy! If I'm sad, she grieves with me. If I'm excited she gets excited with me. She cares deeply for the way others feel. I want to be like her in so many ways. She enjoys life to the fullest. She gets excited about the smallest thing and has this silly little dance she does when she's excited. She plays dress up everyday all day long. She hardly ever wants to wear normal clothes. She has to wear some long gown that "sticks to the ground" as she says. She thinks she's a princess. She told me yesterday that the reason why her shoes were so sparkly was because she's been wearing them for so long. ha!

My life was so boring before these little girls entered in. They all still have dimples on their knuckles. How long will that last? The baby points at things and grunts with her fat little fingers. I wish I could freeze time. I found her yesterday sitting on the floor in the living room floor with the bottoms of her feet together and her forehead resting on her feet. I think she was doing Pilates or something. So cute. Her toes are the cutest, fatest little things you've ever seen. When she's in her high chair and she's eating something she really likes she rotates her feet in little circles. How cute is that? #2 hums with every bite when she likes her food. Her humming gets louder if she's eating something extra yummy like ice cream or yogurt. #1 gets excited about not being messy when she eats. She boasts of clean hands when she's finished. She wants to be a big girl. She stands in the middle of the room and says, "Mom, look at how big and tall I am." I have to say, "wow, look at you." She asks me if It makes me sad that she's growing and I tell her it's "happy-sad".

God is so good to give me these precious people in my life. Last night my husband cleaned the oven. I walked into the kitchen and he had on those yellow kitchen gloves and a sponge and was cleaning the oven. I had a fire in the oven yesterday and had to call the fire dept. It was very exciting! It was also kinda embarrassing. So we were trying to see if the oven was still going to work. It does. Wouldn't it be great for it to be burnt up the day before Thanksgiving? yikes. My husband just comes home from preparing sermons all day. He's tired, sore, overwhelmed and he cleans the oven, washes dishes, puts kids to bed. He is the most amazing man I have ever known. I could never deserve these precious gifts but then, they wouldn't be gifts would they? I'm going to bed now. I can at least lay down in my snuggly bed withe my snuggly husband and maybe I'll fall asleep.

Seek the Lord

2004-10-25T15:03:00.000-05:00

Seek the Lord while He may be found; call upon Him while He is near. Let the wicked forsake his way and the unrighteous man his thoughts; and let him return to the Lord, and He will have compassion on him, and to our God, for He will abundantly pardon. Isaiah 55:6-7

While he may be found. This puts the fear of God in me. What if I neglect God's word? What if I neglect to seek Him? I think I always count on His patience, mercy and grace. I count on it so much that I take advantage of it. Lord, please keep your words and the fear of you before my eyes so that I wont neglect your word.

You give me all I need for today. You provide all I need for life. You gave the Israelites Manna and only allowed them to gather enough for that day. In the same way you want me to gather spiritual food from your word DAILY. You don't want me to try and live my life on the crumbs of yesterday. Of course the truths I learned yesterday will still apply today and I should keep your word in my heart. I must however never believe that I have enough or know enough of you. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they will be filled.

in the madness...

2004-10-19T08:58:00.000-05:00

This morning in the craziness of life.. babies, breakfast all that I must do. Your voice came so sweetly to me in a song.

Jesus I My Cross Have Taken
Jesus I my cross have taken, All to leave and follow Thee destitute, despised, forsaken Thou from hence my all shalt be Perish every fond ambition, All I've sought or hoped orKnown Yet how rich is my condition,God and heaven are still my own
Let the world despise and leave me They have left my Saviour too Human hearts and looks deceive me, Thou are not like them untrue Oh while thou dost smile upon me, God of wisdom, love and might Foes may hate and friends disown me, Show thy face and all is bright
Man may trouble and distress me, Twill but drive me to they breast Life with trials hard may press me, Heaven will bring me sweeter rest Oh tis not in grief to harm me, While thy love is left to me Oh twere not in joy to charm me, Were that joy unmixed with Thee
Go then earthly fame and treasure, Come disaster, scorn and pain In thy service pain is pleasure, With thy favor loss is Gain I have called thee Abba Father, I have stayed my heart on thee Storms may howl and clouds my gather, All must work for good to me.
Soul, then know thy full salvation, Rise o'er sin and fear and care Joy to find in every station, Something still to do or bear Think what Spirit dwells within thee, Think whatFather's smiles are thine Think that Jesus died to win thee, Child of heaven, canst thou repine
Haste thee on from grace to glory, Armed by faith and winged by prayer Heaven's eternal days' before thee, God's own hand shall guide us there Soon shall close thy earthly mission, Soon shall pass thy pilgrim days Hope shall change to glad fruition, Faith to sight and prayer to praise.

Thank you sweet saviour.

2004-10-13T22:44:00.000-05:00

I'm so excited about this blog thingy. I'm so behind the times to just be getting one now but I'm still very excited. I hope to share my thoughts and the happenings in my life. I hope that it keeps me in touch with those who I perhaps have lost touch with. Most of all I hope that my ramblings will bring hope and encouragement into your lives.