out of touch

Do you ever feel out of touch? Almost like watching your life instead of being part of it. I think it has something to do with what I've eaten lately. That sounds strange but when I eat sugar I suffer. I know that I get tired, lethargic, want more sugar and so the cycle goes. Not good.
I've been trying to change all that but my addictions get the best of me. My vices are just that, they grip me with no mercy and at times I feel powerless to escape. What does this leave me to believe about the times I have alluded them? Was it a 'good day'? What was I thinking then that I wasn't thinking the last time I fell? I should journal my thoughts and see the pattern.

When I'm tired I reward myself with rest and comfort food. I think that a vacation isn't a break without good food. I day out on the town isn't fun if I don't eat something. A movie isn't as enjoyable without some snacks. Why does food have to be such a huge part of entertainment. I want to escapte that mentality. I want to overcome.

God's grace has been at work like I've never experienced before. I've been getting up, working out (that never happens) and accomplishing so much in the day. I know it's not my strength at work. That will never happen. I can only thank Him for His faithfulness. Now when I fail I have to run to Him and start over for the 50th time.

Why the fascination with the rich and famous? Why do they have better face cream than I do? Why is the good stuff so darn expensive? Why does everyone want to look so young all the time. Can't we embrace life? Part of living is dying and before you die you usually get old. Get old and wrinkly I might add. I've noticed some grey hair. I can't believe it because I still get mistaken for a college student at 32. Not a bad problem. I think I want to embrace old age. Think of all that you have behind you. What's ahead but the reward of heaven for those who belong to God. I can think of nothing better than getting through this moment so that I can be a few seconds closer to true fellowship with my saviour.

It's spring. Memories push their way into my mind as the flowers push their way up out of the soil. Smells of lillies take me back to my grandmothers church at easter time. Daffodils remind me of playing in her yard. Most memories I like to dwell on are the good ones. It's amazing how the bad seems to get filtered out. Yesterday I drank an iced chai latte. The first sip took me back to Dardago Italy where I was six years old eating gelato in a corner cafe. I could feel the little girl in me. Happy, carefree, just wondering what adventure lay around the bend. I remember how my Mom and Dad still loved each other and all seemed so perfect. What could be better than standing on your veranda and seeing the top of a snow covered mountain while you wear a shortsleaved shirt. Amazing place. One day I hope to go back there. Dreams. Unrealized.

I can't get to this and when I start I can't get away. I'll end here and hopefully come back before its been four or five months.