I want to write but I don't even know where to begin. I just found out about someone I love that is hurting. I have a really hard time knowing that I can't be there. I want to be there for all my friends and family. God cares for them more than I do and is better able to help them so I have to trust Him.
It's amazing how people can be one person when they are with you and someone else at other times. You know, you never really know someone unless they want you to know them. You just can't force yourself into anyone's world. All I really want is for people to be who they really are. I want this for myself too. I know that I hide myself for fear of hurting people or getting hurt. I have such strong opinions and strong convictions and I have to learn to hold my tongue. People just don't want to hear what others have to say sometimes.

I'm struck lately with how it seems that people just don't know how much they are loved because they don't put themselves out there to be loved. We all hide. Then we wonder why we are alone.

I've struggled with depression. I've even been diagnosed as a manic. I don't know what I think about it. I do know that I have more control over how I feel and what I do than I've ever realized. I can make decisions about how I'm going to feel. Most importantly I can pray and God can change the way I feel.

I've grown more spiritually in the past two years than I have in my entire life. I can't believe how wonderfully trials teach! I should know! I just wish I could communicate to those I love the things that I know would help them with their struggles. Hearts can only be changed by God. My words may be a means to God's ends but I can not control or overpower. I must remember that pray is not a last resort because I feel powerless to do anything else. Pray is the first thing I must do and the only thing with any guarantees.

I see those who claim Christ walking in ways that are totally in opposition to God and I wonder, "Do they know what they are doing? Are they even aware?" Then I look at myself and I pray that God will be merciful because that's the only thing keeping my head above water. God has been merciful, so merciful. I've been exposed to so much truth and by God's grace alone am attempting to apply it. I am married to the most amazing man and the best inspiration for holiness of life in the gift of motherhood. If left to myself I would be profaning the name of God left, right and center.

God please show mercy to those who are walking away from all they know is good and true. Do what you do best, give them no rest until they are back in your safe keeping.

out of touch

Do you ever feel out of touch? Almost like watching your life instead of being part of it. I think it has something to do with what I've eaten lately. That sounds strange but when I eat sugar I suffer. I know that I get tired, lethargic, want more sugar and so the cycle goes. Not good.
I've been trying to change all that but my addictions get the best of me. My vices are just that, they grip me with no mercy and at times I feel powerless to escape. What does this leave me to believe about the times I have alluded them? Was it a 'good day'? What was I thinking then that I wasn't thinking the last time I fell? I should journal my thoughts and see the pattern.

When I'm tired I reward myself with rest and comfort food. I think that a vacation isn't a break without good food. I day out on the town isn't fun if I don't eat something. A movie isn't as enjoyable without some snacks. Why does food have to be such a huge part of entertainment. I want to escapte that mentality. I want to overcome.

God's grace has been at work like I've never experienced before. I've been getting up, working out (that never happens) and accomplishing so much in the day. I know it's not my strength at work. That will never happen. I can only thank Him for His faithfulness. Now when I fail I have to run to Him and start over for the 50th time.

Why the fascination with the rich and famous? Why do they have better face cream than I do? Why is the good stuff so darn expensive? Why does everyone want to look so young all the time. Can't we embrace life? Part of living is dying and before you die you usually get old. Get old and wrinkly I might add. I've noticed some grey hair. I can't believe it because I still get mistaken for a college student at 32. Not a bad problem. I think I want to embrace old age. Think of all that you have behind you. What's ahead but the reward of heaven for those who belong to God. I can think of nothing better than getting through this moment so that I can be a few seconds closer to true fellowship with my saviour.

It's spring. Memories push their way into my mind as the flowers push their way up out of the soil. Smells of lillies take me back to my grandmothers church at easter time. Daffodils remind me of playing in her yard. Most memories I like to dwell on are the good ones. It's amazing how the bad seems to get filtered out. Yesterday I drank an iced chai latte. The first sip took me back to Dardago Italy where I was six years old eating gelato in a corner cafe. I could feel the little girl in me. Happy, carefree, just wondering what adventure lay around the bend. I remember how my Mom and Dad still loved each other and all seemed so perfect. What could be better than standing on your veranda and seeing the top of a snow covered mountain while you wear a shortsleaved shirt. Amazing place. One day I hope to go back there. Dreams. Unrealized.

I can't get to this and when I start I can't get away. I'll end here and hopefully come back before its been four or five months.